|
|
Website © 2005-2011 Compiled With: Caligra 2.0.2  |
|
Containing 4,827 Articles Spanning 341 Topics Ex-Mormon News, Stories And Recovery Online Since January 1, 2005 |
|
PLEASE NOTE:
If you have reached this page from an outside source such as an
Internet Search or forum referral, please note that this page
(the one you just landed on)
is an archive containing articles on
"COMEDY - SECTION 5".
This website,
The Mormon Curtain
- is a website that blogs the Ex-Mormon world. You can
read
The Mormon Curtain FAQ
to understand the purpose of this website.
|
|
 | Wednesday, Aug 5, 2009, at 03:07 PM President Obama's Birth Certificate Has Been Found In Utah Original Author(s): Delightsome COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| DRAPER, UTAH (UPI) Just two days after "Birthers" were stung by releasing a clumsy forgery they believed was the Kenyan birth certificate of President Barak Obama, a famous document expert in Utah has declared that he has the certified, correct, document.
Surprisingly, the expert claims the document shows that Obama was born in upstate New York, not Hawaii or Kenya. Mark Hoffman, a life-long resident of Utah and an aknowledged expert on documents and forgeries told Redstate.com that he has acquired the original document, and can prove it's authenticity. "It's here, in it's entirety" Hoffman posted on the conservative website. "And I will make it public, or rather it's new owner can make it public, for the small price of $250,001." Asked by Redstate bloggers why he was asking for the extra dollar over a quarter of a million, Hoffman replied that would be the best bid he has recieved thus far. "I've already got a quarter mil from Dallin C. Oaks" he wrote. "But I'd like to sell a document to somebody else this time." |
| | Friday, Aug 28, 2009, at 08:06 AM Monson Calls For Modesty, Tab Collars Original Author(s): substrate COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| Rexburg, Idaho -- Speaking to students at Brigham Young University, Idaho, LDS church president Thomas S. Monson emphasized the need for modesty and spiritual cleanliness, two virtues he said had nearly been lost in today's so-called modern world.
Citing the poet A. Egbert Doggerel, Monson stated, "Truer words were never spoken than these: "It matters not if I'm hale and keen If my heart and soul remain unclean!" The prophet spoke of his dismay at lax dress standards among some members of the church. "I am certain that our dear Heavenly Father looks down upon his children with perhaps a glint of tear in His eye, as He sees so many disregarding the prophetic counsel against slovenly and immodest dress." He reminded those in attendance of the inspired counsel of President Gordon B. Hinckley in pleading with the fair daughters of Zion to display only one earring on each ear. "Somwhere in the heavens, President Hinckley is smiling in the knowledge that so many have taken his words to heart." But, President Monson intoned gravely, "There is much room for improvement, particularly among you priesthood holders. Are you living up to the Oath and Covenant of the priesthood? Are you conducting yourself with the modesty and dignity that befits someone with your holy calling?" He then spoke of a troubling trend among the brethren of the church. "I have spent many nights on my knees, praying for guidance as to how I can help the brethren overcome a serious problem. I speak, of course, of the unkempt and often askew collars of our dress shirts. Many are the times when I've sat on the stand in a priesthood meeting and found my spirit troubled by crooked collars. Often the collar doesn't even cover the tie wrapped around the neck. And, difficult as it may be to believe, some brethren cannot even be troubled to button the top button of their shirts. Surely the Spirit is grieved when the brethren of the Holy Priesthood take such a casual attitude toward their responsibilities." The prophet spoke of the great promise in the Book of Revelation: "He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white raiment; and I will not blot out his name out of the book of life, but I will confess his name before my Father, and before his angels" (Rev. 3:5). "Brethren, do you imagine that you will be able to stand in the presence of the Lord with a crooked collar or slovenly tie?" In His wisdom, the prophet said, the Lord has provided a way for His sons to reach their full potential: tab collars. "It is but a small thing the Lord requires: merely two buttons, one on each side of the collar. Keeping the tabs buttoned will ensure that you are neat and clean both inwardly and outwardly. My beloved brethren, I plead with all the force of a loving heart that you will return to your homes and make immediate and prayerful changes to your wardrobe." President Monson said that he had been inspired by a visit to a ward in McDermott, Nevada. "Here were the brethren arrayed as mighty warriors, all with tab collars, all neat and inspiring. Hearts were gladdened, spirits were lifted, and collars straightened." Student reaction was immediate. "I went home and threw out all my old, unworthy white shirts," said Gareth Jensen, a junior from Tempe, Arizona. "I have decided to choose the right, and if that means buying tab collared shirts, I will not shirk." Tyler Roarke of Redding, California, expressed his desire to follow the prophet with "exactness": "The prophet said we should get tabs on either side of the collar, but when I got my new shirts home, I noticed they had a third button in the back of the collar. I'm a little worried that I may be looking beyond the mark." Apostle David Bednar hailed the response of the students. "These young men and women know what is important in life, and they are a shining example to the world. One young woman I spoke with broke off her engagement because the young man said he didn't know what the big deal was about tab collars. I'm sure she will be glad for the eternities that she saw the true measure of his faithfulness before she became unequally yoked with him." |
| | Friday, Sep 4, 2009, at 08:08 AM Scriptural Facts That Ring True Original Author(s): jacyn COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| 1. Adam gave all the animals their names. If you think about it, this makes perfect sense. But for Adam's creativity, we might be calling an elephant a "phmmph" or the puffer fish "that scaley spikey thingy" or chimpanzees "those turd-throwing meanies."
2. Adam and Eve became aware of their nakedness only after eating a certain fruit. For many people, three glasses of wine has a similar effect. Coincidence? I think not. Wine is made from fruit. Both fruit and wine are filled with antioxidants. Adam and Eve ate the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge and found out they were naked. Wine makes me really smart and can lead to nakedness. 3. God made coats of skins for Adam and Eve after they discovered their nakedness. It makes sense that God will kill a couple of the animals He had just created, tan their hides, and sew outfits for His naughty naked kids. Think about it. That's what parents do. 4. It has been documented that, similar to many men in modern times, at least one man in the Old Testament had a talking ass. 5. God let Satan tempt Job because he was a really good man. So Satan killed Job's family, destroyed his property, covered him with putrid boils, and made his life hell. I love that story. It makes me want to be good like Job. 6. That guy who tried to steady the ark got what was coming to him. Sure he had good intentions, but God doesn't care about those. That God. He's Something Else. Try to help God and you die. F*** that. 7. Bears eat children who mock prophets. That's why I didn't mock any prophets until I was over the age of 18. |
| | Tuesday, Sep 8, 2009, at 11:51 AM Utah Schools To Show President's Message Original Author(s): Runtu COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| In a surprise move, the Utah State Office of Education has announced that after reviewing the controversy surrounding President Barack Obama's upcoming live address to the nation's students, state leaders have arranged for a more acceptable alternative speaker: LDS Church President Thomas S. Monson.
"Over the last few days, we've received hundreds of calls and emails from parents worried that their children would be subjected to political propaganda from President Obama," said Utah Superintendent of Public Instruction, L. Garth Groesbeck. "We didn't want anyone to feel excluded or pressured, so we looked for someone who could serve as a positive role model for all students, regardless of political stripe." Groesbeck said that Monson was a "natural choice" to inspire the students. "Here is a man who has throughout his life reached out to others, especially widows, and who has consistently avoided political positions, except on crucial moral matters such as same-sex marriage rights and alcohol consumption laws. We feel strongly that by substituting President Monson for President Obama, we can give our children access to a more inclusive and inspiring speaker." LDS church officials indicated that the prophet would speak from the campus of Brigham Young University. "President Monson felt that, by speaking from the namesake university of one of the state's founders, he would be able to share his message of faith and testimony without offending anyone's political sensibilities." Monson's theme will be "Strengthening Testimonies in the Latter Days." Church spokesman Daniel Jenks explained that in these last days of trial and tribulation, "the most important knowledge one can accumulate is a testimony of our Savior. No other education can compare." Utah ACLU attorney Laurel Meyer said that she had been startled and outraged at first. "But then when I thought about it, I realized that all we would be seeing was a laundry list of platitudes and bad poetry. What's the harm in that?" Eagle Fortress president Gail Ruzkinsky applauded the state's choice. "I have to tell you I was disgusted at the thought of our children being exposed to the virulent socialism of our so-called president, This choice leaves no doubt that, at least in Utah, we stand up for American ideals. We support God and country, not gays and socialized medicine." Church leaders indicated that the church would be happy to broadcast the prophet's message to all fifty states, but so far, none of the governors contacted had accepted the offer. |
| | Thursday, Sep 10, 2009, at 07:50 AM Missionaries Swamped After BYU Win Original Author(s): Delightsome COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| SALT LAKE CITY (UPI) According to LDS spokesman T. LaVerkin Smoot, mormon missionaries in the midwest and even overseas saw a marked improvement in "first discussion" presentations on Labor Day, less than 36 hours after BYU's shocking upset of the #3 Oklahoma Sooner football team on Saturday night.
The game was telecast on ESPN to a worldwide audience. Investingating non-members listened to almost three times more presentations by church missionaries, who are estimated to number more than 50,000 worldwide. Further, according to Smoot, those investigators listened, on average, three times longer to the presentaion than had been experienced in the previous 24 months of tracking data. "Missionaries taught 17 families on Monday alone" Smoot beamed "and those investigators listened for an average of 3.2 minutes each. This proves that BYU truly is a missionary tool of the one true church and that the work moves forward." Smoot also stated that the general authorities were happy that the game did not go into overtime and that all players were back in the team hotel well before the sabbath began just after midnight CDT. |
| | Thursday, Oct 1, 2009, at 08:03 AM Urgent Call Sent Out By The Mormon Church For Dried Beans And Powdered Milk Original Author(s): Delightsome COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| SALT LAKE CITY (UPI) The LDS church has sent out an urgent request to all of its estimated 13.5 million members to donate non-perishable food items to the church. These items will be distrubuted to tsuanmi victims in Samoa, Tonga and the Phillipine Islands.
In the past, the LDS church has held such relief items in storage. Due to the worldwide economic slump and some lost investment revenue, the church has run low on many of these items. "What with the big mall we are building, and a few of our investments tanking, the brethren made the prayerful decision to sell off all of our canned corn and tomatoes this harvest season" spokesman T. LaVerkin Smoot told reporters. "Also the bishop's storehouse program has been hit very hard in the past 12 months by a very large number of church investigators." Smoot added that the brethren felt thay did "pretty well" when they sold off the harvest from the church's massive welfare farm program. "It helped us keep the mall financing intact, at least" he added. "So we issue this call to the faithful to bring at least 5 cans of food to Temple Square this weekend during general conference. Time is of the essence, since we have a big press conference scheduled for Tuesday morning and we will need many, many crates of foodstuffs as a backdrop for the visuals." In closing, Smoot added that the church will not be accepting any old clothes or used board games this time around. |
| | Wednesday, Oct 7, 2009, at 08:11 AM News Flash: LDS Church Leaders Announce Major Update To 13 Articles Of Faith Original Author(s): Deconstructor COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| For those who missed conference today, here are the new updated Articles of Faith the church just announced. Share with friends who missed conference!
13 ARTICLES OF LDS FAITH 1. We believe in Joseph Smith. We also believe in God the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. We believe that these gods were once men, and that you too can become your own god, even though our Prophet, Seer and Revelator denied it on national TV. 2. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, such as murdering or drinking tea, and not for Adam's transgression, unless you were a Negro and died before 1978, in which case you were punished and cursed for the sins of Cain, or for what you did in the pre-existence. 3. We believe that through the atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel, especially tithing and the word of wisdom. However, we do not believe that Christ's sacrifice should be discussed on Easter, as this is a more appropriate time to contemplate the martyr of Joseph Smith, our Prophet, Seer & Savior. 4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in Joseph Smith; second, Faith in the current version of the Book of Mormon; third, Payment of tithing for the remission of sins; fourth, Repentance for not paying tithing (but only if you catch up); fifth, Blind obedience to the current prophet and to your husband, if you are a woman; sixth, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; seventh, Baptism by complete, total, absolute immersion, in the waters, which, by the way, have been cursed, for the remission of sins; eighth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost. 5. We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority to collect tithing, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof. We also believe that if any man behaves as if he was not called by God, then it is appropriate to state that the Church is perfect, it is just the people who are flawed. 6. We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, moneychangers in the temple, Young Men/Womens leaders, Relief Society Presidents, Stake Mission Presidents, Young Single Adults Group Leaders, Elders Quorum Presidents, First Counselor to the President and so forth. We also believe that the primitive name for the Christ's church was "Corporation of the President" and was heavily involved in commercial real-estate and stock speculation. Although women held priesthood and administrative offices in Christ's Primitive Church, women do not now and never will again. 7. We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, faith-healing, interpretation of tongues, tearing out of tongues when you divulge endowment secrets, tithing, investments, media manipulation, political interference, compound interest and good public relations, for we are striving to become a universal "World" church. 8. We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly (we reserve the right to decide which verses are translated correctly and which are not); we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, especially now that we have amended it to harmonize with modern doctrinal alterations. We are currently undecided as to the divine origin of the Book of Abraham, however. 9. We believe in much of what God used to reveal, and we believe that if He yet reveals further things to us, that our Church President or Glenn Beck will tell us. 10. We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent or the Middle East; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisaical glory. We also believe that our blood may be miraculously changed to that of the Tribe of Ephraim. 11. We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience as dictated by the President of the Church, and allow all straight men the same privilege, let them worship however incorrectly, wherever wrongly, or whatever idolatrous beings they may, since Protestant ministers are hirelings of Satan. When we can, we deny Gays the right to live their lives as they choose, especially in California and Utah. 12. We believe in being subject to kings, queens, admirals, judges, federal agencies, revenue officials, and in obeying, honoring and sustaining civil, maritime, de facto laws. In fact, we believe in following all national and international governments, because God will not hold us responsible for doing wrong if someone else tells us to do it. That's why we Mormons make such good CIA employees and conservative lawyers. 13. We believe in rich lawyers and doctors, short hair, tall buildings, church-owned malls, dark blue suits, white shirts, magic underwear, financial prosperity and an affluent public image. In fact, if there is anything praiseworthy or newsworthy, which will make good report, we seek after these things. Conversely, if there is any material from our past which could generate controversy, we will seek it out, purchase it, conceal it, deny it and excommunicate anyone who even dares to mention it. |
| | Monday, Oct 12, 2009, at 07:52 AM The Bishopric Meeting Original Author(s): Mortal Man COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| Last night in bishopric meeting the subject turned to General Conference.
Our second counselor suddenly got very excited and said,
"Hey! Did you guys hear Elder Holland's talk? Man was he fired up!"
To which our first counselor replied, "Oh boy, he sure was! I can't believe he actually called out people by name!" He was, of course, referring to Solomon Spalding and Ethan Smith. Our first counselor continued, "Man I would hate to be those guys! They must have been quaking in their boots to hear their names called out in General Conference like that!" At this point our bishop chimed in, "You're not kidding! Those guys are going to have to repent!" Second counselor: "Yeah, I don't know who those guys are but can you imagine sitting there listening to conference and hearing your name called out like that?" First counselor: "I don't think I've ever heard an apostle in General Conference single anyone out like that. They must have done something really bad!" At this point everyone began talking simultaneously, speculating on what was going to happen to those guys. Then the executive secretary paused and said, "Hey wait a minute, I'm not sure but I think one of those guys might be historical." Unfortunately, no one but me heard him because they were all talking too loudly. I began to respond to the secretary's comment but quickly stopped myself so as not to spoil the great fun they were all having. I really like our bishopric meetings. |
| | Wednesday, Oct 14, 2009, at 07:53 AM H. Farber Jensen Is The Only Apologist Who Gets Shiz Right Original Author(s): Gorspel Dacktrin COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| An excerpt from a recent write-up on H. Farber Jensen, the internationally recognized Shiz expert:
Meet H. Farber Jensen, the internationally acclaimed expert on the Book of Mormon and Shiz Studies. It's important for as many people as possible to be aware of this rising star in the field of Shiz Studies, a little-known academic branch of Book of Mormon Studies, dedicated to fostering deeper understanding of the pivotal role that Shiz played in the Book of Mormon narrative. H. Farber Jensen is an internationally acclaimed Shiz expert and is the director of RANCHES (Really Arcane Nugatory Church History and Esoteric Studies). Read some of the acclaim: "H. Farber Jensen really knows his Shiz!" - Lord Fauntleroy, Chairman of the Royal Society of Shizmania "Who is full of Shiz, uh, you know, who is full of an amazing amount of Shiz knowledge? Horatio Farber Jensen, that's who." - Reginald D. Ruggers, Editor of the World of Archaeology and Deep Shiz Excavation Review. "You can't step into any Shiz debate without finding H. Farber Jensen right in the middle." - Dirk Demone, Director of FIELDSS (Foundation of Intelligently Enigmatic Latter-Day Saint Scholars) "I am always amazed at all the little piles of Shiz research papers scattered around Brother Jensen's home. Sometimes when I visit I find myself standing up to my waist in piles of his Shiz research." - G. Hinckley, best-selling author of "Standing in Something" "If it looks like Shiz, smells like Shiz and tastes like Shiz, H. Farber Jensen is on top of it." - Grant N. Funk, friend of H. Farber Jensen Some excerpts from "You Don't Know Shiz!" Jensen's latest book: "When people talk Shiz to me, I talk Shiz right back at them." (from the preface) "I love seeing the light go on in a young scholar's eyes when I tell them of the tenderness that Coriantumr showed to Shiz in Shiz's last moment of life. While the body of Shiz was struggling to get up, the head of Shiz has already rolled to a stop at the feet of Coriantumr. As the life force seeped out of the Shiz head, Shiz could only think of one thing. He wanted to taste one last biscuit. Looking up at Coriantumr, he weakly pleaded, 'I sure would like to eat a biscuit before I die. Do you have a biscuit?' Suddenly filled with compassion for his fallen foe, Coriantumr pulled his last biscuit out of his fanny pack and gently pressed it to Shiz's lips, softly speaking the unforgettable words, 'Eat, Shiz, and die!' Whereupon Shiz did eat and Shiz did die." (from page 43) My Testimony: I would like to recommend "You Don't Know Shiz" to everyone here. It is inspiring and thought provoking. After reading it you will never be able to look at Shiz the same way again. Your heart and mind will be full of Shiz. |
| | Monday, Nov 2, 2009, at 07:57 AM BYU Buddie Studie - Cogntivie Dissonance Original Author(s): cricket COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| And it came to pass that lo and behold, mo-pologists, apologists and pretzel logicians spread and duplicated themselves across the land eastward from Utah Lake, northward to the Great Salt Lake, yea, even to the land Bountiful, and soutward to the Land of Payson, covering the land like unto a flock of Mormon crickets, encouraged by The Brethren at 50 East South Temple explain the unexplainable and mystify the mundane mantras of Mo-dum, and divert the pestilence of honest inquiring minds of the faithful, yea, becoming so numerous that they began to call themselves, Nibleyites, Petersonsite, Meldrumites, Sorensonites, Midgelyites, Trilobites and Stalagmites, and behold they did gather at annual conferences to argue amongst themselves regarding a narrow neck of land, yea even to the point of becoming stiff-necked themselves, thus denying the teaching of the modern day prophets such as Spencer Kimball, Brigham Young and Joseph Fielding Smith, and ignoring Gordon B. Hinckley and Thomas S. Monson because these prophets had no teahings regarding the principal ancestors of the people of the Book of Mormon.
BYU Buddie Studie - Cogntivie Dissonance - Volume 2,395 page 2,675 paragraph 279a |
| | Thursday, Jul 15, 2010, at 08:02 AM Imagine If You Will, A Wonderful And Marvelous Machine Called The Kolobatron Original Author(s): Elder Berry COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| It will cost you a lot of money, but it is worth it according to the manufacturer's salesman Joe Smith. The manufacturer guarantees that it will help you see visions of the future, have random things happen to you that will bring you luck as well as help you find your car keys when they get lost. But wait, there's more. It has a feature called The Liahoninonya that actually helps you discern when people aren't being straight with you or if there is some impending bad luck headed your way. But wait, there's more. It has another feature called The Celestial Sealer which guarantees that all of your family can share this device sort of like a family cell phone plan. But wait, there's more. It includes access to an oracle of all knowledge called "The Prophet" who you can read or listen to and if you follow will never let you down like so many people have in your life. But wait, there's more. Another feature of The Kolobatron is it provides you a security pass to get into some really ritzy retreats where you dress up all in white and watch movies, hang out in cool lobbies and learn all sorts of secret mysteries of The Universe. But wait, there's more. If you are a man or boy The Kolobatron contains an extra mode where if you wear a white shirt and tie, you can cure cancer and all other sorts of human health problems. But wait, there's more. All users of The Kolobatron get free bread and water on Sundays. And friends, if you are having problems with people who don't have a Kolobatron rest assured that they are just jealous or didn't use it properly according to the many guide books provided for its use. If you have any problems with your Kolobatron you can rely on a huge network of owners who can give you all sorts of tricks and techniques to use yours to the fullest. So, call now and we will send a couple of representatives right away to get you started using your new Kolobatron today! I know this magical mystery machine works and is the best thing ever to come to humanity. I just know the manufacturer wouldn't have produced it if it wasn't because the manufacturer is Jehovah Christ Reserve Inc. Jesus knows how to make a fantasy come true for me and He will do the same for you! |
| | Friday, Jul 16, 2010, at 08:50 AM Members To Be Given Emeritus Status Original Author(s): substrate COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| Although it's a couple of years old, it's still relevant:
The LDS church announced today a new program granting emeritus status to members who fall outside of traditional activity. “As the church continues to grow at a fast pace, many of its members find themselves unable to maintain church activity for a variety of reasons,” said spokesman Dan LeFevered. “Always sensitive to the needs of the members, the brethren have fasted and prayed for guidance and have been inspired to grant these nontraditional members ‘emeritus’ status.” Currently, statistics are kept on those who do not attend a church meeting in a given quarter. From this point on, LeFevered explained, members who do not attend a meeting in a given quarter will be termed “members emeritus.” Emeritus members will be counted as members in the annual statistical report, but they will not be counted towards activity rates. “Isn’t it marvelous?” said church president Thomas S. Monson in a written statement. “Instantly we have the highest activity rate of any religion in the world: 100%.” LeFevered explained that activity rates will be calculated from members who attend a meeting at least once quarterly, so in effect, all who are counted are considered active. And those who do not attend are considered “emeritus” and will not count. When asked about those who resign their membership in the church, LeFevered responded, “We don’t think there’s a need for that drastic a step. Rather than go through the difficult process of writing a letter, members can simply choose to grant themselves emeritus status.” LeFevered went on to say that the new program is retroactive to the beginning of the church. “We have sent out millions of letters to former members notifying them of the change to their status.” Fred Pecker, professional anti-Mormon, reached by phone in Washington State, expressed outrage intially at the new policy. “Yeah, I got my letter welcoming me back into the kingdom. But I’ve been thinking about it. Maybe it’s time for me to come back, anyway. I’m going to call my bishop today.” LeFevered explained that the new status would also take the place of disciplinary councils, which had been taking up too much of church leaders’ time. “It’s much easier for a stake president to click an ‘emeritus’ button on a computer than it is to convene a high council to try a case.” He went on to say that leaders have wide discretion as to how to use emeritus status. “It could be for serious transgression, or it could just be to rein in people who are, you know, a little off.” Food Sciences professor and FARMS contributor Daniel Midgley-Welch explained that this system has its roots in the Mosaic practice of counting membership by tribe and family, such that no one was left out. “We even see echoes of this in the census that played a prominent role in the Savior’s birth in Nazareth.” Midgley-Welch expressed bewilderment that he and the entire staff at FARMS have received letters from the First Presidency granting them emeritus status. “Maybe they think we need more time to research the gospel. That’s just like the brethren, always thinking of us.” “Yeah, sure, if that’s how they want to look at it,” said LeFevered. |
| | Monday, Jul 19, 2010, at 08:47 AM Top Ten Future Mormon Faith Promoting Rumors Original Author(s): cricket COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| 10. A Mormon working in the basement of the Church Office Building's computer department invented the Internet in the early 1990's.
9. The virtual endowment started in 2035 with invention of the iPhone 10G when the average age of Mormon baby boomers reached 100 years and they were to physically frail to attend the temple. 8. 2025 - The LDS General Conference sessions merged with the American Association of Retired Persons AARP to fill those embarrassingly empty seats in the Conference Center, converting thousands of people with dementia who did not know any better, reminiscent of the mass conversions of English immigrants in the 1800's. 7. 2037 - Mormon physicist Philo Nephi Farnsworthy working the CERN accelerator in Switzerland miraculously warps self through worm hole to Kolob and back thus confirming the existence of Elohim. 6. 2015 - Tweeting the names Holocaust victims directly to temple baptismal fonts increases proxy production and prevents Jewish watchdogs from discovering the practice. 5. 2014 - Installation of GPS devices into the craniums of Mormon missionaries allows church headquarters to ensure the "No Companion Left Alone" policy which BYU had inspired with their "No Student Left Behind in the Pac Ten" program. 4. 2013 - Mormon Prophet Boyd K Packer at age 96 joins Facebook in an attempt to secure friends - only brown nosing GA wannabee Glen Beck signs on as friend. 3. 2012 - Mormon Apostle and prior Utah Supreme Court Justice Dallin H Oaks joins Legal Zoom dot com in an effort to convert Robert Shapiro to Mormonism since Shapiro was naive enough to believe O. J. Simpson was NOT guilty. 2. 2012 - Thomas S Monson drafts Sarah Palin to become the First Lady of the Relief Society ensuring her that this is a secure step on her way to the Presidency of United States. 1. 2011 - Jeffrey Holland appears on the Dave Letterman show with his own top ten ways to crawl over, under and around a five ton replica of the Book of Mormon. |
 | Friday, Aug 6, 2010, at 08:12 AM Top Ten Rejected Titles For Monson Biography Original Author(s): substrate COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| As you may have read, Deseret Book is releasing "To the Rescue: The Biography of Thomas S. Monson." Sources have confirmed that several titles were considered before the decision was made: 10. Fake It Till You Make It 9. Bad Poetry and Parakeets 8. No Widow Left Behind 7. The Passive Triplet and Other Ways to Treat Your Audience Like Preschoolers 6. My Dinner With Honecker 5. From Apostle to Prophet: The Professional Life of Thomas Monson 4. Son of Obituary: What I've Learned from Attending Funerals 3. I Forbid You! Casting Out Doubt, Reason, and So-called Science in an Age of Uncertainty 2. My Kingdom for a Mall 1. Too Busy Doing Good Works to Draw Attention to Myself |
| | Thursday, Aug 12, 2010, at 09:05 AM Books On Mormonism I Want To Write Original Author(s): jacyn COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| "From 'Dirty Sex' to 'Delicious Chocolatey Candy With or Without Nuts': The Making of a Mormon Curse Word."
"Over or Under? The Mormon Woman's Bra Conundrum." "'I Don't Think We Teach That' and Other Memos I Missed but Learned About on 'Larry King Live.'" "Drink the KoolAid On Your Own Terms. All We Really Care About is Your 10%." "Futile Pursuit: Losing My Identity to Become the Wife and Mother the Lord Wants Me to Be." "To Make Your Man Happy or Teach Pigs to Fly? And Other Hobson's Choices of Mormonism." "'Hey Joe, Pick Me. I Have a Vagina.' And Other Lessons Learned from Polygamy." "Jesus Said Love Everyone. ***snort!!!***" "Righteous and Passive Aggressive: Promoting Your Faith While Knifing You in the Back." "Masters of Mainstreaming: How 'Abominable Perverts' Became 'People With Civil Rights, Too!' (If You Can't Beat 'em, Join 'em)." "I Have No Life: The Making of a Relief Society Handout that Will Really Impress the Sisters While Increasing Their Feelings of Inadequacy." "God's Penis or Joseph's Myth? Six Centimeters in One, Half a Dozen Centimeters in the Other." |
| | Monday, Sep 27, 2010, at 07:26 AM Kolob Kruises! Join Us As We Hie To Kolob, Closest Rock To God Original Author(s): Tahoe Girl COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| Kolob Kruises! Join us as we hie to Kolob, closest rock to God...
Join us as we hie to Kolob, closest rock to God. Your comfort aboard our Kolob Kruisers is of the utmost importance to us, so let us know how we can make your voyage both comfortable and meaningful. Entertainment aboard your Kolob Kruiser will include reruns of the Donny and Marie Show, Johnny Lingo, and Dancing With the Stars episodes featuring a very special doll dance by Marie Osmond (she makes dolls, you know.) For your listening pleasure you’ll have your choice of The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Gladys Knight’s “One Voice”, or the Primary children from Kolob 2573rd ward droning on about Following the Prophet. Snacks en route will be your favorite flavors of jello, with Cheerios for the little ones. Dinner is included in the fare and features creamy funeral potatoes, sliced ham, and jello salad embedded with grated carrots, cooked ground beef and chunked pineapple. During a two hour layover on the moon you will have the option to disembark and gawk at the 6 ft. tall, 1000 year old Moon Quakers. Come with us! Enjoy the ride! After touching down on this planet closest to where God resides, you’ll want to rest and refresh yourselves for the busy week ahead. We’ll shuttle you up Deseret Drive to Cumorah Crest where you’ll find your lodgings in tree-lined Liahona Lane. The beautiful Hearth and Home Bed and Breakfast is run by the sister-wives of Zoram. Cost per night is three senums which includes your room and a sumptuous breakfast in the morning. You’ll find plenty to do on Kolob. Ride along the lovely mountain ridges astride a wooly curelom. Your guide, Mahonri Moriancumer (a large and mighty man), will point out famous landmarks such as the stately summer homes of several of Heavenly Father’s plethora of wives. Afternoons are always warm on this planet so you’ll want to don your Kolob skivvies for a dip in the beautiful blue waters of Sebus. The brightness from God’s residence keeps the sparkling waters at a constant temperature of 87 degrees F. After your swim, hie on over to Celestiavilla, the dwelling place of the whitest and most delightsome of Kolob folk. You’ll find only the best of neighborhoods on Kolob, for dark and loathsome is prohibited. On your journey there, you’ll also note that Kolobians are perpetually young since there is no end to youth on Kolob. You’ll not want for good food while on your travels there. Be sure to visit Kolob Bakery and enjoy the Necro-Dunkin’ Donuts! These delectable delights are deep fried in a huge vat of oil which rests on the backs of 12 oxen carved from authentic olive wood from the Holy Land on planet Earth. You can also visit the bakery’s gift shop where you can purchase a special signature Baker’s Hat, complete with bow. Receive a 10% discount with the super secret handshake. At the 3 Nephites Grill you’ll enjoy grilled cumom along with deep fried manna drizzled with honey taken from a nearby deseret hive. Poultry skewered with iron rods roast to a delicious-doneness as they rotate slowly on the hand-turned spit. The price of these hearty meals ranges from 1 ½ shiblons to 1 ezrom depending on how hungry you are. Be sure to step into Zelph’s Bar where Zelph will personally serve you his out-of-this-world Pay Lay Ale as he tells you tales of life as a white and delightsome Lamanite on earth. After a night at Zelph’s you may want to stop off at Laban’s Head where, for a small fee of one shiblum, you can use the facilities. Your return to earth will be through the unique Mormon time machine. Since one day in Kolob is equal to a thousand years on earth, you’ll be returned to earth a mere week after you left through the special process of exmosis through the time machine. But wait! Before leaving the planet, swing by the ever-popular Kolob Kool-Aid stand. Go ahead! Drink the Kool-Aid! (Feel free to add what you'd like to see or experience on your Kolob Kriuse!) (Copyright 2010) Tahoe Girl |
| | Tuesday, Nov 30, 2010, at 07:35 AM Christmas Clue Original Author(s): runtu COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| (To the tune of "The Christmas Shoes") It was almost Christmas time, struggling with another line Tryin' to write that last article or two, not really in the Christmas mood Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously Pacing 'round like little boys do And in his hands he held a manuscript His hands were stained with ink, there was panic in his eyes And when he stood in front of me I couldn't believe what I heard him say Sir, I need some answers now, for my Mama, please. It's Christmas Eve, and Mama's losing faith. Could you hurry, sir? Daddy says there's not much time She's had Shaken Faith Syndrome for quite a while. It doesn't really have to be true It just has to seem plausible to save Mama's testimony tonight. He read his rambling article through his tears. I shook my head and said, "Son, there's not much here." He searched his notes frantically "I've quoted the big guns, you see. Nibley, Welch, and Lou Midgley. But Mama says that stuff is %$#@ Please help me, Sir, I'm desperate!" Tell me Sir, what am I going to do? Somehow I've got to buy a Christmas clue. I had to help him out, So told him what to do. Son, you're Mama's already lost to sin. She's hiding something dark within. Son, let me buy you a clue, on this Christmas Eve. If tapirs and NHM don't work, nothing will. Don't you worry, son, we've got all worked out Be thankful you're not bitter like her. No, it doesn't really make much sense, But it is remotely possible that there might have been Nephites. I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love As he thanked me and ran out I knew that God had sent that little boy To remind me just what apologetics is all about Sir, I need some answers now, for my Mama, please. It's Christmas Eve, and Mama's losing faith. Could you hurry, sir? Daddy says there's not much time She's had Shaken Faith Syndrome for quite a while. It doesn't really have to be true It just has to seem plausible to save Mama's testimony tonight. |
| | Thursday, Dec 9, 2010, at 08:37 AM 12 Days Of A Utah Christmas Original Author(s): utahmonomore COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
On my first Utah Christmas my true love gave to me
|
| | Monday, Dec 20, 2010, at 07:48 AM Another Christmas Repost: Twelve Weeks Of Apostasy Original Author(s): runtu COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| On the first week I skipped church, my bishop sent to me A home teacher preaching to me. On the second week I skipped church, my bishop sent to me Two visiting teachers, And a home teacher preaching to me. On the third week I skipped church, my bishop sent to me Three emails, Two visiting teachers, And a home teacher preaching to me. On the fourth week I skipped church, my bishop sent to me Four phone calls, Three emails, Two visiting teachers, And a home teacher preaching to me. On the fifth week I skipped church, my bishop sent to me Five plates of cookies, Four phone calls, Three emails, Two visiting teachers, And a home teacher preaching to me. On the sixth week I skipped church, my bishop sent to me Six major guilt trips, Five plates of cookies, Four phone calls, Three emails, Two visiting teachers, And a home teacher preaching to me. On the seventh week I skipped church, My bishop sent to me Seven First Presidency Messages, Six major guilt trips, Five plates of cookies, Four phone calls, Three emails, Two visiting teachers, And a home teacher preaching to me. On the eighth week I skipped church, My bishop sent to me Eight links to FARMS, Seven First Presidency Messages, Six major guilt trips, Five plates of cookies, Four phone calls, Three emails, Two visiting teachers, And a home teacher preaching to me. On the ninth week I skipped church, My bishop sent to me Nine rumors about my sexual orientation, Eight links to FARMS, Seven First Presidency Messages, Six major guilt trips, Five plates of cookies, Four phone calls, Three emails, Two visiting teachers, And a home teacher preaching to me. On the tenth week I skipped church, My bishop sent to me Ten predictions of divorce, Nine rumors about my sexual orientation, Eight links to FARMS, Seven First Presidency Messages, Six major guilt trips, Five plates of cookies, Four phone calls, Three emails, Two visiting teachers, And a home teacher preaching to me. On the eleventh week I skipped church, My bishop sent to me Eleven promises of damnation, Ten predictions of divorce, Nine rumors about my sexual orientation, Eight links to FARMS, Seven First Presidency Messages, Six major guilt trips, Five plates of cookies, Four phone calls, Three emails, Two visiting teachers, And a home teacher preaching to me. On the twelfth week I skipped church, My bishop came to me And we had a beer and watched football. |
| | Wednesday, Dec 22, 2010, at 08:07 AM Evidence Trending In Frosty's Direction, Farms Says Original Author(s): runtu COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| Researchers for the Foundation for Arctic, Reindeer, and Magical Snowmen say that, despite the claims of skeptics, more and more evidence supports the belief that Frosty the Snowman really did come to life that day. Food Sciences professor and FARMS president J. Wallace Gitt summarized discoveries in 2008 as “very promising and encouraging, indeed. For more than half a century,” Gitt said, “scoffers have ridiculed the idea of a living, breathing snowman, but these days, there’s just too much evidence for anyone, except the hardcore anti-Snowmen and ex-snows, to ignore.”
Gitt explained that the best evidence for the reality of Frosty is the warm feeling children everywhere get when they sing “bumpety-bump-bump” and think of the “jolly, happy soul” frolicking in the winter snow. But no longer must believers rely solely on their own personal knowledge of the Snowman. “First of all, the production of the text is miraculous in and of itself. After the success of 1949?s ‘Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer,’ writers Jack Nelson and Steve Rollins had only months to write, produce, and record the song for the upcoming 1950 Christmas season. There’s no way two ordinary mortals could have accomplished that without some kind of divine intervention.” “But perhaps the strongest evidence of divinity is the text itself,” said Russell Thwetwipes, professor of Greek History. “Our first clue is the use of very specific items in the construction of the snowman itself.” Several things stand out initially as anachronistic to 1950. Corncob pipes, silk hats, and coal had all been supplanted by cigarettes, fedoras (which were on their way out), and central heating. The use of these items suggests a deeper rooting in the past, which would be unusual for popular writers of the 1950s. But the images seem to have been chosen with care. A corncob situates the story in the Americas, which squares nicely with the use of the word “cop” to refer to a policeman (how could Nelson and Rollins have scored such a bullseye?). The coal for the eyes suggests the Biblical idea of coal as burning fire and life being breathed into mortals (see Ezek. 1:13). And of course, the old silk hat has reference to the ancient practice of using seerstones to connect with the divine. Indeed, the text specifically places the “magic” (which here may refer more to spiritual power) in the hat itself. The text also anticipates skepticism. “Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale, they say” speaks to the song’s prophetic nature. The writers (Thwetwipes prefers “transcribers”) expected that their claims would be ridiculed, and indeed they have. “Once you have heard ‘Frosty the Snowman,’ you are no longer on neutral ground,” said Gitt. Expecting a poor reception in an increasingly godless world, the transcribers made sure that there were witnesses to the miraculous event. We are told that the children “know” that he really did live and breathe. Their testimony is clear and specific: “Frosty the snowman was alive as he could be, and the children say he could laugh and play just the same as you and me.” There is no equivocation, no hesitation in the testimony. “We aren’t sure how many children there were, but the use of the plural indicates more than one,” said Thwetwipes. “And none of them ever denied their testimony. They had plenty of opportunity to deny what they had seen and expose the fraud, if there had been one. But they remained faithful to the end of their lives.” Forthcoming research will explore the relationship between the broom Frosty carried (perhaps symbolic of a sceptre?) and the ritual dance he performed. “This dovetails rather nicely with what we know about Egyptian kingship rites,” Gitt asserted. “And we are aggressively researching the etymology of those two strange phrases, ‘thumpety, thump-thump’ and ‘bumpety, bump-bump.’ We expect to release our findings in a forthcoming edition of the “Journal of Elf, Easter bunny, Reindeer, and Snowmen.” Asked of skeptics’ claims of a lost Gene Autry manuscript, Gitt was dismissive. “That’s been floating around for years, and so far we have nothing but a few unfounded word-print studies. I’m confident that Rollins and Nelson will be vindicated in the end.” |
| | Tuesday, Jan 4, 2011, at 07:46 AM New Years Resolutions For The Prophet And 12 Apostles Original Author(s): Primus COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| In the new year spirit(tm) just like the rest of us, most of the Apostles and the Prophet have ideas of what they would like to do for the new year which would be an improvement over the previous year. Many people choose weight lose or making more money, well, not our favorite Brethren. Here is a list of some of the resolutions they came up with.
Thomas S. Monson - To become a Widower before his wife becomes a widow so he can use his great influence on other widows and singles, like Nelson and Oaks did. Henry B. Eyring - Buy some stock in Kleenex and Puff's tissue paper Dieter F. Uchtdorf- Find an analogy for next conference not related to flying airplanes Boyd K. Packer - Find his lost little factory L. Tom Perry - Get back the flannel board he loaned out in 1972, he has some very media intensive projects in the works. Jeffrey R. Holland - Convince members during the next conference that his Book Of Mormon on CD is the original hand written manuscripts of Joseph Smith using a little know 'Apostle Mind Trick' he got the idea for from watching Star Wars. David A. Bednar - Return Boyd's little pickle...er factory. Robert D. Hales - Ask Jeffery R. Holland for his jowls so he can fill in his withered face. Quintin L. Cook - Get further into the shadow of Russell Ballard. Richard G. Scott - Come up with a great talk for conference about how victims really are responsible for whatever happens to them and should feel great guilt and then one minute telling them they are not at fault. M. Russell Ballard - Get his own internet Youtube Channel. Lying for the Lord Neil L. Anderson - Making his mark on the Quorum by doing something to upset the anti-mormon community so Primus can come up with something for him in 2012, like a pickle speech or something. D. Todd Christopherson - Get a new toupee Dallin H. Oaks - Start carrying around airfreshner with him to spray the room after he speaks some absurd legalize about why the Church is the victim, not the group they are persecuting, the next time he speaks out his ass. |
| | Tuesday, Mar 22, 2011, at 07:49 AM More Things You Definitely Won't Hear At Conference Original Author(s): The Man in Black COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| More things you definitely won't hear at conference...
• We are now pleased to announce a new singles ward program for same-sex oriented members. • Sisters and brothers (in that order). • Now I speak somewhat to the youth of the Church. Be wise. Use protection for Christ's sake! Here is a picture of what syphilis looks like. • Sisters, the Lord has revealed that it is now time for you to bear the priesthood. • It appears that someone has voted opposed. We will now take some time to hear his concern. • The law of consecration will be restored in the upcoming year. Abolishment of private property and Zion are key tenants of the one true religion. The choir now sing, "We thank thee O God for a Manifesto." • Brethren. Love your wives. Love her often. Maybe try a new position tonight. • To each of you I bear solemn witness that Christ lives. He and I had lunch yesterday. He says "hi." • We are pleased to announce the construction of a soup kitchen in Salt Lake City. • Members, please spend more time with your families, and less at all these mandatory meetings. • (Bednar). Why yes, my hair IS plastic. • (Ukdorf). I will now tell a story without airplanes. • (Packer). Years ago I had a little toy factory... • (Holland). I love you all. You all do so well. Keep up all the good work my dear brother's and sisters. You deserve no rebuke today. • (Oaks). Sue us then! • (Eyring). Brothers and sisters when it comes to money you your damn brains. Don't trust that magic ponies will pay your mortgage for you just because you donated money to a corporation. That's silly. • (Christofferson) No I'm really not a guest speaker. Why does everyone think that? • (Monson). Hearts were touched, and tears were shed. In the name of Jesus Christ, our lord our savior, our raptor, amen. |
| | Tuesday, Mar 22, 2011, at 08:02 AM The Top Ten List Of Runtu's Top Ten Lists Original Author(s): Dr. Shades COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| Everybody loves Runtu's "Top Ten" lists. After scouring through the archives. . . and with a little help from the search feature. . . I have compiled a list of the top ten of Runtu's top ten lists:
10. The top ten Internet domains bought up by Allen "The Slug" Wyatt before anyone else could register them 09. The top ten methods Mopologists use to deny the Internet Mormon/Chapel Mormon dichotomy 08. The top ten disappointments expressed by attendees of William Schryver's FAIR presentation 07. The top ten Mopologetic theories for why Robert Ritner quit John Gee's dissertation committee 06. The top ten Book of Abraham champions who ran for the hills after an exchange or two with Brent Metcalfe 05. The top ten ways in which Louis Midgley has embarrassed himself in public 04. The top ten misogynistic comments posted to MormonDiscussions.com by faithful Priesthood holders 03. The top ten uses of light cotton 02. The top ten things that FAIR and FARMS would like to do to Rodney Meldrum 01. The top ten excuses Juliann has given for failing to cough up the transcript. . . you know, like the kind that court stenographers make |
| | Tuesday, Apr 5, 2011, at 06:56 AM The Emperor’s New Clothes: An Apologetic Defense Of Truth In The Face Of Folly Original Author(s): John Larsen COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| From time to time the so-called historians and folklorist roll out their same tired old arguments. I probably shouldn’t grace this folly with another written response, but I feel a general calling to do so and hope that I can spare some honest inquirer the error of unreasonable attack.
Those who have engaged in these attacks against our beliefs have long done so under the guise of scholarship, but their thinly veiled language barely masks the contempt they have for our faith. I must further state that we, as believers do not like to talk about the New Clothes, because we hold them to be sacred. They are not secret, but out of deference to our faith these “scholars” should honor our wishes about writing and speaking of the garment. However, they will continue to display their disdain for the defenders of truth. Of course, the most well known anti-Imperial writer is none other than the infamous Hans Christian Andersen. Anderson, the flirtatious homosexual and known recluse provided a distorted view of the truth that is still leading many innocent readers astray even today. Today, most of the writings by the so-called scholars quote Anderson as a primary source, displaying their confirmed bias against our beliefs. Rather than provide new arguments, they continue to simply regurgitate old arguments that we have successfully dealt with in the past. So, with a big sigh and a cluck I will again deal with these arrogant attacks with my humble writing. First of all Anderson and those of his ilk simple love to parade out the same old lies time and time again. Take for example the idea that the tailors, Guido and Luigi Farabutto, were swindlers is a mistruth, perpetuated by those wishing to destroy the faith and virtue of millions. In reality, the tailors were acting in the role of an Elias as evident by their providing the sacred garment to the Emperor. How could the humble tailors be deceiving the great Emperor when they were providing a service? Although it is true that they did charge the Emperor for their services, they were simply following the common practices of their time. Indeed, since there is no evidence that they overcharged the Emperor, we can conclude that they charged less than the normal rate for tailor services. Swindlers indeed! These men were providing their service at a lost, almost certainly. The most glaring mistake is of course the assumption that there was no clothing. This bald face begging-of-the-question is the weak foundation upon which they build their entire case. However, there is nothing in any of the writings to assume that the clothing was not there. We shall return to why some did not see it in a moment. They are assuming that there was no garment, something that they themselves must take on faith. They simply substitute faith for faith and act as if they are on some sort of moral high ground. However, the burden of proof is on them to prove that the garment did not exist. For we have several witness who can affirm to its existence. Not just one tailor, but both confirmed its reality. Furthermore, the emperor and all of his aids attested to its existence confirming that they saw it with their own eyes! Testimony like that that is not so easy to dismiss. The ongoing attack on the Emperors aids has been a cunning ploy to discredit those who meekly submit to righteous authority. These humble workers would have every reason in the world to tell their Emperor if the garment was a fake. What would they possibly gain by lying? This reveals the biggest gap in the anti-Believers theory. Their theory makes no sense in light of human nature and they must twist and tug their distorted views to make it even seem plausible. The antis rely on the simple testimony of a child and the riotous crowd as their sole confirmation that the garments were not real. Once again, they ignore the valiant testimony of all of those who had seen the garment. Do they not read the very works they are criticizing? For right in the text it states that only those who were good and refined could see the garment. We then turn to the unrefined street rabble to confirm its existence. Their very protest confirms that the garment existed, for if it existed, they would not be able to see it! We also have the testimony today of the millions of believers who wear the New Clothes at our sacred services in this day and age. We can provide no other information due to its sacred nature, but suffice it to say that their testimony is added to the stack. How can so many believers who have seen and experienced the garment—and offer their humble testimony be wrong. The anti writers display their supreme arrogance by suggesting that they know more than millions! Lastly, and most important we have information for our day and time that confirms the validity of the New Clothes. From modern revelation we have their words delivered to the Emperor: “The garment is most sacred, and desirable above all things. And the children of men do desire to possess these things. Yea, they do strive with the cunning, and with their deceptions, and with their lyings and murderings. “Blessed are ye, who shall believe. For behold, I provide unto a sign of their disbelief. For those who disbelief in the New Clothes shall not see, if it shall be as if they are naught. But fear not, for you shall see. “And if the disbelief of thine own heart causes you to not see. Behold, I command that you shall exercise the desire to see. And if the desire is true even one day you shall see, and this is my witness to you. “And in that great day, behold, the clothing shall be revealed to the unbelievers. And there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. And all shall know that ye do wear the true clothing in righteousness.” The attackers have full access to these revelations but they conveniently ignore this ancient evidence showing again that they are more interested in perpetuating their lies than dealing with reason and logic. |
| | Friday, Apr 15, 2011, at 08:56 AM Mormon Jesus: Cursing The Wicked With Dark Skin Original Author(s): mormongags COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| From Mormon Gags:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQ1tAd... |
| | Friday, Apr 29, 2011, at 06:58 AM You Might Be An Apologist If Original Author(s): runtu COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| 10. You followed your priesthood leaders' counsel and proudly worked hard to support Proposition 8, and then when it passed, you wondered why people were blaming you.
9. You think having sex with women behind your wife's back is ordained of God, but following your conscience is a sign of pride and a lack of faith and imagination. 8. You think Mesoamerica is the "best fit" for a Book of Mormon setting, so long as you discount mention of horses, chariots, and steel weapons. 7. You believe the counsel to have only one earring per ear is an example of continuing revelation, but teachings about Deity proclaimed by prophets and taught in the temple are just the speculations of men speaking as men. 6. You believe that women have total equality in the LDS church because three women said so. 5. You consider a lapsed Mormon and practicing Catholic to be more faithful than a BYU professor, who is on his way toward apostasy. 4. You consider those who read only church-approved materials "lazy and intransigent" at the same time you say that the church publishes everything a member needs to know. 3. You think that NHM is a direct hit for the Book of Mormon, but the similarities of several place names in New York and Ohio to Book of Mormon place names are purely coincidental. 2. You consider Jeff Lindsay and Kerry Shirts scholars of the highest order, but Dan Vogel, Brent Metcalfe, and Michael Quinn are "skilled iconoclasts," amateurs with an axe to grind. 1. You think "Mormon Dialogue" encourages actual dialogue. |
| | Tuesday, Jul 26, 2011, at 07:32 AM Top Ten Things For Ex-Mormons To Do In Case The Church Is True Original Author(s): SL Cabbie COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| Top Ten Things For Ex-Mormons to do in Case The Church is True...
10. Collect as many secret temple names from hot ladies as possible... 9. After you croak, tell the guy at the gate you're a friend of J. Golden Kimball 7. Wake up and shake it off the way you would any other bad dream... 6. Come the Resurrection, glance down at where your genitals used to be, acknowledge the feeling, and remember all the trouble the damn things caused you in the first place. 5. Blame it all on Steve Benson... 4. Blame it all on Boyd K. Packer. 3. Bring up the subject of Hitler's temple work to the gatekeeper... 2. Spill the beans on all the family secrets and claim you didn't want to spend forever with most of those d-bags anyway... 1. Start an MLM coffee operation in Outer Darkness And a Happy Pioneer Day--er day after to all my fellow Exmo's... |
| | Wednesday, Jul 27, 2011, at 08:21 AM After "This Is The Right Place" Original Author(s): runtu COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| Most people are aware of Brigham Young's famous declaration upon reaching the Salt Lake Valley. For the first time, I present the ten things said by arriving pioneers after Brigham got there.
10. Is that the welcoming committee from the Eagle Forum? 9. No, Brother Kimball, I'm not seeing anyone currently. 8. This can't be the place. Srsly? 7. Now that we're free from the mobs, all we have to worry about are gays, feminists, and so-called intellectuals. 6. No, I am not a Democrat. Why do you ask? 5. You left your keys where? 4. Why would anyone want to re-enact that? 3. Stop crying, Brother Beck! 2. What do you mean, "no beer sales on Sunday"? 1. It's all right, President Young, but the Correlation Committee recommends shortening "the right place" to "the place." |
| | Thursday, Oct 27, 2011, at 12:49 PM Making The Evidence Fit Original Author(s): Home Teacher COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| Good morning brothers and sisters. Today's lesson is on how to make all the evidence fit together neatly. The great thing about the gospel is we know it is true, even perfectly true. Therefore, the evidence will fit perfectly. Sometimes members struggle when so called evidence from the wordly scholars appears to contradict the gospel truths. However, if you trust in the lord, these seeming contradictions will melt away.
Today's lesson is an object lesson. You will need a square peg, round hole, and big hammer. The square peg is symbolic of the gospel truths. The round hole symbolizes the scientific evidence from worldly scholars. The hammer represents the Lord.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. |
| | Wednesday, Nov 16, 2011, at 07:54 AM The City Creek Mall Original Author(s): salamandersociety COMEDY - SECTION 5 -Guid- | ↑ |
| "What is this?
A mall Does it have a name? It does. Will you give it to me? I will at the cash register. Health in my wallet, strength in my shopping bag, be upon my purchases and all those that use these purchases, until they go out of fashion, or until they come back in fashion. PAY LAY bill. (but have an ALE at Laban's head pub)" http://www.salamandersociety.com/mall... |